THE BACON TREE

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when
all
of a sudden...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune,
and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon,

double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don'forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres,
Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens up,
and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but,

true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....
.........

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees.....

Ees, a "Ham Bush"

hahaha awesome

your mum's so fat that when she goes to the beach, she brings the crabs

sorry

ahahaha, thats fucking mint (not you shannon)

i know

dammit what was wrong with mine??? i was in a random room t'other night and this girl had a poster with hundreds of them on - v. funny!

I just dont understand what being fat and having crabs has to do with each other

cos the fat person's too fat to even see their shoes, let alone their pubic regions or reach over the fat, so can't get rid of/know (they may just think it's a sweat induced itch) any crabs they may have????

LOL.. I love the Bacon joke:D

i read it imagining it being spoken in a dodgy mexican accent

You kinda have to the way its written, I was reading it in my head in a dodgey accent

oops i meant ur mum is so dirty

Tard

not really a joke, but it made me laugh

"(1997 - 1998) "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to save the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski and his homosexual partner, Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard toilet paper tube up his rectum and slipped Ragout, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon,' my cue that he'd had reached nirvana, so to speak. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he simply would not come out, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman desribed what happened next.

"The match ignited a pocket of intestinal methane gas in Kiki's colon. Flames shot out the tube, ignited Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers, causing it to scurry further up Kiki's colon, which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out of the cardboard tube like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

Sadly, Ragout the gerbil did not survive the incident. "

is it worrying that i have heard that before?

Doesnt matter how horny someone gets, how the hell do you think "yea, il stick a gerbil up my partners ass" as a good idea?!?

maybe it was the gerbils idea

some fucked up americans...

I too have heard that story before and its complete bullshit and never actually happened, even so its fucked up

How ya know its made up?

coz it was originally on http://www.ubersite.com which is where people make up shit then get rated by other people on how funny their shit is, from what I can remember it scored quite well

I heard it, or a variation of it, AGES ago, I mean like.. around year 7 Belvidere time, and the net was rather small fry back then, so could be true

wow that's pretty messed up even to think that up I mean who in their right mind thinks I know let me shove a gerbil up your ass and the other person thinks why that's a brilliant idea.... I mean how messed up

again, not a joke... but still

Directions:

1. Get a taxi to London Heathrow airport

2. Catch flight to Dallas Fort Worth Airport

3. Hire car at Dalls Fort Worth Airport

4. Start going to the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" - follow for 0.2 miles

5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for 0.3 miles

6. Bear onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit" - follow for 2.9 miles

7. Take the "Highway 114 West" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2 miles

8. Then continue on "US 287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9. "US 287 North" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles

11. "US287 North" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12. Continue to follow "US 287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13. Take left ramp onto "interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles

14. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 East" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit towards "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles

16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 1.7 miles

17 Arrive at the centre of "Amarillo, Texas".

Now, THAT'S the way to fucking Amarillo! SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!

armadillo?!

isn't there a closer airport? your coverin way over 200miles there along american interstates

LOL I think someone hates the song is this the way to Amarillo

no shit sherlock!